Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
