i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
