Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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