I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
