And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My ass is underappreciated
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
