Please, let me fuck your mom
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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