Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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