gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
