This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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