I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
