i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize