Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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