I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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