I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
