the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
