i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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