I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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