$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
