I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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