I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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