happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
