I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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