I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
