I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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