I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
