She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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