theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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