Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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