I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
