rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
