Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
