This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
honey bunches of taint.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Randomize
