We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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