I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
