so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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