You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
