Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
