And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
