Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
