I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
