someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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