i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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