hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
