I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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