this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
