I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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