I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
