Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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