you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
