She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
