Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
