I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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