So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
