After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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