He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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