You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My liver just had a heart attack.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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