ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
