Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
