come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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